Out of It (EN)
by Tris Pond
Summary: (Manga spoilers) Hinata tries to deal with the fact he can't play anymore today. But he isn't completely alone.


Notes: Haikyuu belongs to Haruichi Furudate. Hey hey hey, I had to write a fic to that broken chapter - 365 - and as saw Kenma leaving I had to choose to believe he went to talk to him (and not just deciding the match wasn't worth to watch anymore), that was before the 366 coming out.

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Shōyō was in pain. He had thought that he was stronger, that he could face anything. He had come so far, trained so hard. But it was far from being enough.

He knew he had no control over this disease (if he had, he surely as hell would choose any other time to have a fever) and this was even worse. Without even noticing, he had began to rely on his body to attend his commands more and more, as he learned new things and tricks with volleyball and gained an awareness that he certainly hadn't before. So, it was so strange to be unable to count with his body to act like he wanted.

He had seen the signs, of course, that he wasn't fine. His body felt worse each set and he was getting a bit slower. He brushed it off, not wanting to think about it, too afraid of the consequences. He was too caught up with Hoshiumi, wishing to beat him and prove he was the best of them. His eyes weren't set on the Little Giant he knew anymore but on this one he had only now became aware of.

The looks on his teammates face when he tried to argue that he wasn't hurt, he would never forget. They all saw the truth, they all knew what was about to come.

Maybe he should wish to not look so desperate in front of them, but how could he leave the court without doing everything he could to stay? It's his dream.

He knew that they were all sorry for him, hell, he could beat even Tsukishima wished he wasn't sick. They cared about him and he was glad for their love, though he was still bitter about having to go when nobody else did.

There was only one person that he was more frustrated now than with himself. He wanted to replace his frustration and range and Kageyama's words kept coming back to his mind.

It hurt, because somehow he forgot along the way that they were even fighting, seeing him as a close friend. Yes, he wanted to be better than Kageyama, but he would never be glad that he was stepping out of a game.

"So, you're gonna stand on the court longer than anyone else? Ha, I win again" he had said and it brought even more pain to him.

It was true, Kageyama was there, playing, when he couldn't.

He still had so much to play, to do. He was just getting there, he knew he could fight against Hoshiumi.

He felt the tears rising and he tried to suppress them. He had managed to kept them way enough to come back to hotel room and make Yachi go away without crying, putting on a strong front.

She had been worried about him, trying to get him to talk. But he hadn't wanted to. It wasn't like he had anything against Yachi, it was just that she was too much Karasuno, too much volleyball. He couldn't look at her and not think about the match he should have been playing. How the hell was he supposed to be able to talk about all the things that were bottling up inside of him?

"Shōyō" came a soft voice, after a knock on his door.

He looked around, unsure of who would be calling him, because Karasuno was still there, still playing (he wanted, needed to be there) and he made Yachi promise him to not disturb him in exchange for his rest.

He hesitantly opened the door a bit, not sure if he really could deal with anything else right now.

Thankfully, it was his friend from Nekoma that was calling him. Kenma looked worried and more upset then Shōyō had ever saw him.

"Kenma?" he whispered, unable to say anything else.

He nodded, looking at him intensely, as if searching for invisible signals. Shōyō felt a little bit shake under his eyes, but let him in.

"It's okay" Kenma said only, but his eyes, as always, contained thousand of unspoken things. "You're going to be fine" he promised.

This was the last straw. Hinata felt the tears leaving his eyes, as if this was the permission he was looking for to finally break.

His only wish ever was that he could be on court and keep playing. He knew it would be hard… but why it was so hard?

He had tried. He tried so much. Oh, he had done everything he could and more. Even when he doubted himself, he had looked other people in the eye and said it was his dream, he was going to make it, he know it, but truthfully he just didn't know.

He knew he would recover himself for this disease, it wasn't anything serious, but what if the only way he would have to play was by ignoring his limits and therefore limiting his future time on his sports? What if he never got strong enough to really play?

He knew Takeda-sensei was right, that this wouldn't be the last time he was taken out of a match.

If he was being honest, a little part of him was hurt with the thought the team could still win without him. It made him realize once more how amazing Suga was, having dealt so well with Kageyama taking his position as starter setter.

He felt terrible about it and it wasn't like he didn't want his team to win, he wanted to see everyone efforts paying off. He knew everyone of them deserved to win this entire tournament for everything they went through, pushing their limits over and over again. How many times had Yamaguchi practiced serve just to get to there? Suga, Asahi and Daichi had seen the team at its worse and keep trying, even when nobody else believed they were going anywhere.

It was just that he wanted to be there with them too; he didn't want to feel left out. Like he didn't belong… again.

But he knew it was a silly thought. He knew how much his teammates cared, after all. Even if he hadn't thousands of memories that could contradict this notion and hadn't tried to cheer his as he left, the words of his captain left no doubt.

"We'll miss you out there. There is no way we wouldn't. Hinata, this team needs you" Daichi had said.

Karasuno needed to win. They all had bleed too much to lose.

For a second, Kenma said nothing, he just stood there. Then he walked and closed the rest of distance between them by putting his arms around him.

Shoyo only cried harder, feeling somewhat safer now that he was close to the boy. He thought about what he could have done different, if there was a way he could be still playing.

Kenma started to softly rub his back and somewhere inside his mind he knew he should be ashamed of crying like a baby just because he had to get out of a match, but he couldn't, not even when the tears were starting to become visibly on Kenma's clothes as they fell on him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered.

Shōyō thought about it for a second, but quickly rejected it. He could barely understand what he was feeling, just that it was bad, let alone explain it.

"Is there anything you want?" Kenma asked and Shōyō thought he sounded hesitant.

He didn't say anything for a few minutes, too caught up on his own sadness to reply, but then he thought about the only thing that might calm him down a little now.

"Can you pick my earphones?" he pleaded and Kenma obligated, getting off him to do it.

"Do you want me to leave?" Kenma asked, after he delivered it.

Shōyō shook a no with his head, he was actually glad to have Kenma around. It helped him a bit and he suddenly didn't want to be alone anymore.

He laid on his bed, close to the wall, as he connected the earphone and picked his most sad playlist. He offered the other earphone to Kenma, who took it wordless.

Shōyō closed his eyes, remembering every second of the match. They had gone so far, what if he had ruined everything? What if Karasuno lost because it was without him? All because he never knew how to cool down and take a break. He would never forgiven himself for taking away Asahi, Daichi and Suga last chance.

Maybe it was a hopeful side of him that picked the song Breaking the Habit, of Linkin Park. He murmured the lyrics, promising himself that he would be even better the next time he played on a match, he would know how to not force himself. Also, he let himself feel the hurt on the song, that it was still less than what he felt but just as confused.

"You know, you were amazing today" said Kenma quietly, after the fourth song.

"...Thanks" Shōyō said and he did the thing that most resembled a smile since he stopped playing. He was really glad he wasn't alone.

When the team finally came back, rushing to see their teammate (despite Yachi saying she had checked herself and he was fine now), they found him still there, sharing a bed and an earphone with Kenma. It was kind of adorable, though the situation was far from good.

"He's going to be fine, right?" asked Kageyama. He had been so worried.

"Not today. But he'll be" answered Suga quietly, before rushing everyone out of the room. Shōyō needed the rest.


End file.
